Some of us have personal stories of being abused by Jake and some don't.
You're perpetually drained because all your energy is expended trying to keep your partner happy (and, you'll eventually come to realize, those efforts are in vain). Seems like everyone is complimenting your new wardrobe, recent weight loss, or latest blogpost.
Jacob has embedded himself within several communities: privacy and anonymity, infosec, journalistic, and academic.
While framing himself as a community builder, he has repetitively sought out new and would-be new members to these communities, and taken advantage of their trust and their views of him as a "respected" leader.
Your spouse forgetting your anniversary two years in a row is not emotional abuse.
These events may cause some bumps in your relationship but, standing alone, they are not abuse.